


Midnight's Grasp

by Kage_Koutetsu_Yume



Category: My Little Pony: Equestria Girls
Genre: Gen, Introspection, Suicide contemplation, many mentions of suicide, suicide ideation, twilight is depressed and lonely so she literally wants to die
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-27
Updated: 2017-09-27
Packaged: 2019-01-06 01:21:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12201132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kage_Koutetsu_Yume/pseuds/Kage_Koutetsu_Yume
Summary: Set before Friendship Games. Twilight's thoughts wander towards self destruction in the middle of the night.





	Midnight's Grasp

**Author's Note:**

> prompt: TEEN ANGST
> 
>  
> 
> but no really, think about it. Twilight Sparkle never underwent being outcast by other ponies. She studied in isolation out of choice. She has a close relationship with Princess Celestia. Ponies actively approached her all the way up until she left for Ponyville, inviting her to things. And then she made her friends, and we all know the rest (so far).  
> SciTwi is implied to have been bullied and isolated by the people at Crystal Prep. Even to the most studious, being purposely excluded still is a drain on your psyche. Especially as a high schooler! Twilight Sparkle in Canterlot I like to think of as about college student aged. She's mostly stable (unless something gets between her and academic achievement). SciTwi is still a teenager facing isolation, at a very important part of her mental development. Sure, she also chooses to apply for independent study, but choosing/accepting isolation is a different matter from actively being isolated by your peers. She's also feeling a lot of pressure to do well, since she's at a private school and is in classes probably from 8-3 or 4, and probably getting one on one time with her teachers, so school and the pressure to excel is probably weighing down on her (though of course we all know that she also enjoys exceling -- but that doesn't mean it's not stressful to put the work into academic achievement). Spike is probably her only comfort -- but it's only recently that he could talk back to her.
> 
>  
> 
> So yeah, that's my thought process going into this. High school fucking sucks if you don't have any friends and you're feeling a lot of pressure.
> 
>  
> 
> Do people still do disclaimers? I don't own MLP, this is just me having a good time making a character in a franchise where you can't refer to death in any way think about killing herself.

  
It was midnight.

  
Twilight was still awake, staring at the ceiling, which was dark blue in the night. Spike was sleeping at the foot of her bed.

Midnight was when Twilight's deepest, darkest thoughts came out. Alone in bed, just like how she was alone at school.

Logically, she knew it shouldn't bother her. High school was nothing like it was depicted in the movies. In fact, she had a distaste for movies about people her own age.

Characters shallowly written, with boring attempts at plots, and awkward sexual tension between characters that barely knew each other.

But maybe she'd like her life at school more if it was like a movie.

Twilight absolutely loved learning at Crystal Prep. Class sizes were small, which let her have more time with teachers. The curriculum was interesting, and the facilities allowed her to study to her hearts content, and get inspiration for her latest experiments, which were carried out in the shed in the backyard when it was too late to use her personal study space at school. Her future was guaranteed bright thanks to her studies at Crystal Prep.

But group projects were awful, the few times teachers wouldn't let her work on her own. Lunch spent in her own corner, and of course, there was the constant vitriol directed at her by her peers. While isolation was a blessing for more learning, it was not isolation by choice.

Everytime she tried to make some sort of connection with someone, it was gone in an instant. It was fun, she supposed, for her peers to have a universally agreed upon person to exclude, so they could feel like they were above a certain baseline. She'd read somewhere that people can feel more connected if they bond over something they hate.

What would happen if she disappeared? Would they pick someone else to hate?

She thought about this sometimes. Was it her, or was it the people at school? Is there always a Designated Outcast? Why was she the designated outcast? What if she was gone?

From school, from this town, from this world.

Twilight knew she was making breakthroughs in her own backyard. All her teachers praised her for her brilliance. There were so many things she could do that could be contributive and worthwhile to the world.

But she was so tired sometimes.

Tired of her life at Crystal Prep. She still had another year and a half there, which meant she was elligible for the independent study program. If her peers were going to exclude her, she figured she could make the best of it and choose to be gone, while benefitting herself.

Even so, she sometimes wished she could just... not exist for awhile.

Perhaps by being spirited away by some magical force where she could explore some magical world that had unicorns and magic and where friendship won out every time.

She snorted derisively at this.

Magic isn't real.

Friendship doesn't always win.

Her heart sank at these thoughts. Hope still lived inside of her, and her curiosity was still ablaze. But they were subdued.

She turned onto her side, and wrapped her arms around some extra comforter.

At midnight, her realist side came out. The side of her that dragged her to the ground, that sometimes pulled her into a swirling quicksand of negative thoughts, and threatened to drown her. That was her active mode of thinking right now.

Sometimes, she felt a deep, dark hatred of her peers at school. If only she had the power to destroy them. To crush them underfoot and make them beg for mercy, forgiveness for ever making her feel this way.

It would be perfect. Her knowledge could shine above all theirs, and they would ask themselves why they picked on the weak. They would be the weak ones then, and she could exact her revenge on them. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind, but they were already blind to the truth and beauty of the world.

She could make them see it. Magic may not be real, but any sufficiently advanced technology was magic to those too primitive to even begin to understand the science behind it.

Then again, if all these people her age disliked her.... then maybe she was the problem.

Her heart sank further now.

What was wrong with her?

She could feel herself starting to tear up.

What did she do wrong?

That warm, sharp feeling behind her sinuses. Her heart continued its descent, it was in the floor now.

She was nice enough when she'd introduced herself that first day at the academy... But no matter how good of a first impression she put on, people didn't like her.

Her already blurry vision blurred more, and tears started to crawl down her face. She buried her face into the part of the comforter she'd been hugging.

Would anyone even notice if she were to kill herself?

 _YES!!!_ Her logical side screamed immediately, thinking of her family, her teachers, and the disappointment and grief she would cause them.

But her mind was quickly far gone, swirling in this storm of self-destruction.

It would be so easy.

There were sleeping pills in the medicine cabinet. There were so many sharp knives in the house, though she wouldn't want to cause a mess... She could rig some complicated noose rig in her shed. There were many high places in this town to jump from. In fact, she was pretty sure she'd heard a few years back of a Canterlot High student jumping off a bridge due to some awful bullying at the hands of a transfer student.

Maybe. Maybe she should just end it.

 _YOU COULD DO SO MUCH GOOD YOU CAN'T STOP NOW_ her logical side tried...

 **but why bother? you're not unique. there are billions of people who could do the same things you do and history wouldn't notice your family would get over it eventually and they'll get over it sooner if you do it sooner** the swirling continued, like she was sinking into quicksand

_YOU MATTER SO MUCH_

**you're a perfectionist too so you would get it right on the first try, and then you'd never have to experience failure again**

_Mom and Dad and Shining and Cadance would be destroyed_

**THEY'LL FORGET AS SOON AS SHINING AND CADANCE HAVE A CHILD TO DOTE ON**

Self destructive thoughts continued to swirl and spiral, and by now she was quietly sobbing into her comforter. The world was closing in on her, she was neck deep in this mental quicksand and she wanted to drown in it, wanted it to overtake her finally so she could go through with it, if her mind drowned she could finally just fucking do it--

She felt a movement at the foot of her bed.

Spike was awake.

He walked over to Twilight, sniffing her tear streaked face.

Spike.

_Spike wouldn't understand why you walked through the door and never came back._

Spike would wait for her at the door when she left him at home, and was always so excited to see her.

An image flashed in her mind of Spike waiting at the door, days after a theoretical suicide. Lying on the ground, still hoping she would come back. Eyes trained on the door. Ears waiting for her particular walk.

_Spike wouldn't understand why you weren't waking up._

Another image flashed, this time mere hours after a theoretical suicide. Spike whining and trying to get her to wake up. Her not waking up, a note on her nightstand. Spike barking, calling for help from her parents. Her parents finding her.

_Spike wouldn't understand why you left him._

Several images flashed of Spike being alone at home, looking towards the door forlornly. A somber feeling heavy upon the house. Her room untouched because her family wasn't ready to face that yet.

A fresh wave of tears streamed down her face, but they weren't tears of wanting to destroy herself and wanting to destroy everything.  
Spike.

Twilight reached her arms out and grabbed Spike, pulling him close. Being a dog, he struggled a bit, but eventually made the best of the situation because his human was upset. She got less upset whenever she cuddled him, so she was more important than his comfort. He licked her face.

Twilight smiled.

She was still crying, but the dark thoughts had let her go, and she was crawling out of the quicksand. The spiraling and swirling were calming down.

It would be awful if she were gone.

The tears slowed.

Even if she never made a real connection with any humans, at least she had Spike. In fact, she had her whole family, too.

She wiped the remaining tears from her eyes, loosening her grip on Spike, who licked her again to thank her for his freedom.

Plus, there would be no more learning if she were gone.

She had so many books. All the characters, or the people who wrote them wanting to share their knowledge. That would certainly be a waste, not accepting the offer of knowledge from experts in many fields. Or the offer of adventure from the fiction authors.

Twilight took a deep breath.

This wasn't the first time she'd had self destructive thoughts in the middle of the night. It wouldn't be the last, either.

But for now, she was tired from getting worked up. It was a fresh day tomorrow, even if she had to deal with the cretins at her school. It was they who were the problem, definitely.

Either way, she had to try salvage some sleep for the night. She scratched Spike behind his ears, before completely letting him go free to be where he wanted to. He got comfortable in the gap between Twilight's body and the edge of the bed, staying close in case she needed him again. Twilight smiled again, before closing her weary eyes.

The one upside of crying was that sleep came blissfully quick.

**Author's Note:**

> Aaaaaand that's it! Teen aaaangst!
> 
> I hope it wasn't too edgy. Remember, she's a teenager and even the really smart kids can get emotional and want to die. High school is hard when there's not many people to support you.
> 
> Also the fact that Twilight is so open to making friends at Canterlot High and becoming fast friends with the Humane 6 makes me think she's had the subconscious desire for human companionship for awhile.
> 
> Either way, ow the edge. But this idea was scuttling around in my brain for awhile so I figured why not. Maybe someone will at least briefly enjoy it.
> 
> I have a couple other SciTwi fics on their way, all unrelated or very loosely connected at best, so up next: Twicest. Because I can. Either that, or I'll post a fic where SciTwi ends up in Equestria before Friendship Games and gets enslaved by Tempest Shadow. Me, writing about characters we haven't gotten to spend quality time with yet? It's more likely than you think.


End file.
